We’re on location for Semi 2, at the home of the Straight Couple, so tonight’s scores are a bit different. We score each act on Boobs and Eyebrows. A new Eurovision theme (especially the bushy eyebrows) this year.
André, our beloved Eurovision Queen of Wisdom, tells us that Roberto, Belgium’s hope in this everlasting winter, is a teen heartthrob. Our beloved Straight Football Loving friend (who watches Eurovision, yes) proclaims he will from now on be known as Unibrowski. Sex Symbol in the Balkans.
Tonight we’re saying goodbye to:
- - Latvia. Oooooh shiny! Respect to the man who jumps into a crowd of gay men dressed only in an undershirt.
- - San Marino: She Who Gave Birth To A White Ball of Light. Sounds like an excellent mindfulness exercise.
- - FYR Macedonia: I really honestly have no idea what that was about. There was a granny dressed as a loo roll. It probably made sense to someone somewhere.
- - Bulgaria: Drums are so 2007 (oh hang on, that was YOU! You sneaky bastards!) and that hair is so 1984. See you soon.
- - Israel: The most successful sabotage by a stylist ever in the history of Eurovision (and that includes Barbara Dex). This can’t just be stupidity, it’s got to be on purpose.
- - Albania: With the guitar and fire and… yes. Just no.
- - The Salvation Army who plucked a random pensioner off the streets, put him in a suit and dropped him on the stage, looking utterly lost.
Come again (ooh er) on Saturday:
- - Azerbaijan with the most homoerotically literal Jack In A Box ever. Yay props!
- - Something about pseudo-lesbian genderbending marriage equality in Finland. Yay marriage equality! Yay genderbending!
- - The happiest boy ever in the history of Eurovision. (Malta)
- - Brad Pitt in a suit singing something bombastic in Icelandic with people creeping out of the shadows. Yes please.
- - A random Greek Restaurant owner and his sons doing the Sirtaki. Yay sirtaki!
- - Armenia’s Champion Of The Eyebrows
- - Hungary’s choreography – the same level as your average straight boy’s dancing skills
- - The One With The Ass In The White Dress (Norway)
- - A waterfall of fire with People Who Really Mean What They Sing (Georgia)
- - And… well… Cezar. What can we say about Romania’s singing Count Dracula? I’m so glad you’re there! The most shocking thing about Cezar for me? When they announced the votes and cut to the green room, where we all expected him to hang upside down from the ceiling, he looked straight!
So on Saturday all this plus Belgium’s Unibrowski, a bunch of ballads and She Who’s Been Botoxed So Many Times She Has A Perpetual Look of Indifference About Her. And the winner of Saturday: the fantastic Lynda Woodruff!
I’m excited!Exhausted, but excited!